Friday, June 17, 2005

Insurgent Car Bombers Hold First Annual "Pimp Ride" Contest

Written by Scrutiny Hooligan and Asheville Disclaimer writer, Catchy Pseudonym {link}.

Downtown Baghdad was bustling today at the First Annual Baghdad Car Bomber “Pimp Ride” Contest. Among the shouts of “Death to America” and “Allah is great”, were oohs and awes as car bombers from all over Iraq viewed each other's modified vehicles and shared secrets on the latest weapon and explosive concealing techniques.

One participant, Akmed, an American-hating Saudi Arabian who drives a "totally pimped-out" Ford Escort had quite a crowd gathered around him. They wanted to learn the secrets of his rust-colored, four-cylinder two-seater with four bald tires and shot brakes.

“Yo, this car is da bomb!” says Akmed, excitedly popping the rear window for his Al Qaeda buddies, “Check it out. I’ve got C-4 packed in the back. I’ve got screws and bolts jammed in the frame for that extra zing zing… you know what I’m saying. I’ve got exploding doors. I’ve got 20 under the hood (20 lbs of dynamite). My gear shift is filled with nitroglycerin and my pine tree air freshener is made of gun powder. The driver's seat is soaked in gasoline. And check this out…” Akmed pulls back his shirt to reveal a suicide vest. The crowd cheers. “I’m riding this baby to my 100 virgins in the sky… beyatch… after I blow up some people waiting in line for food… Praise Allah.”

There were more than just cars at the Baghdad contest. Some insurgents drove in on three wheelers with shoulder-fired rockets, mopeds with flame throwers, even a bicycle with fireworks duct taped to the frame. “I’m poor,” said the bike rider,” but we’re such a close knit group. I wanted to show support.” He was later given a stick of dynamite to put on his handlebar horn by a sympathetic insurgent. “You see what I mean“, he said choking back tears, “these guys are the best.”

The event was relatively peaceful, but a few mishaps did occur. The slamming of car doors, the occasional smoker, or someone standing near a car caused some insurgents to prematurely martyr themselves when their cars exploded taking out a few of their cohorts. But everyone agrees, it was all in the name of good fun.

The winner was an insurgent from Kirkuk whose tricked-out Volkswagen Beetle held enough power to level a downtown block. He was awarded the “Praise Allah, Death to America” award, which was a bronzed stick of C-4 that accidentally exploded when he raised it above his head in celebration.

After a nice meal and the shouting of “Death to American Pig Dogs”, they all left to test the pimpness of their explosive rides on unsuspecting women and children around the city.

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